No, I didn’t ‘lose’ my virginity in High School.

High School for me was a real motherfucker. Sure, I loved year 7 and year 8 before people grew more cruel than kind. I’m very aware that this sounds a bit like a sob story (have the violins at the ready) but I had a complete identity crisis due to being half white and half Nigerian in a seriously non-diverse, closed-minded town. To really highlight the magnitude of this, people (and I mean grown adults) would bark at me when I walked past them on the way to school. My brother and I were the only people of colour in the entirety of my school and catchment area. I internalised so much hatred that I never ever wore my natural hair down in school, and I would put my mum’s powder on before I went to school in an attempt to make my face look a bit lighter. On the brighter side, it forced me to develop one hell of a sense of humour and prioritise my personality and because of this I’ve always been very sure of that aspect of myself, which is more than what a lot of people can say.

My frizzy hair (only due to lack of black hair products) and bronzed skin meant that when the boys and girls in my year were choosing to experiment with each other, that just wasn’t a choice for me. I never had any attention at school whatsoever, even today I find it very hard to believe that someone could actually find me attractive past ‘oh she has a pretty face’ which I’ve learnt over the years means you’re pretty despite your body. What really burnt this idea into my brain was a boy called Jordan Brooks whose Dad owns a fish and chip shop 5 minutes down the road from my parent’s house.

It was a Friday night after school at my friend Mae’s place. Her parents were out of town and she had a free house for the weekend, and we all know what a free house means… PARTY! So I asked my parent’s if I could go and stay around Mae’s for the night and they agreed to let me stay over seeing as I was notorious for being sensible. People used to think I was scared to take drugs or that I was a goody two shoes but it was actually because I’d seen the after effects of what doing too much drugs can do to a member of the family and that’s sobering enough for anybody. I remember my hair was scraped back in a bun, I was wearing some mascara (which I never ever wore so I instantly looked dressed up), jeans and a lilac crop top. There must have been about 25 of us outside sitting in camping chairs and on blankets in Mae’s garden listening to some BBK, having no idea what grime music actually was. I had just been to the toilet with my friend Lily and as we both settled down outside I heard my mate James ask if anyone knew where the toilet was. Because I had just been I didn’t hesitate to ask if he wanted me to show him where it was. He said “yes please” and as we headed up the stairs there were a couple of annoying wolf whistles that made me blush , even though I had absolutely no reason to be embarrassed. I was helping a friend relieve his bladder and that was the end of that story.

As I make my way out of the house I hear Aiden say “nah I love Efemena” and then whispers of “shh she’s coming” as I’m heading down the stairs. I look around as I sit back down and no one makes eye contact with me and the conversation stalls. “What were you just talking about?” I ask, knowing full well that they were definitely talking about me. No one says anything. I get a bit anxious by this point because I don’t know what they could have possibly said about me. I ask again, “why were you talking about me?” Aiden awkwardly says “It’s nothing Efemena, don’t worry about it”.

“I’m not worrying, I just want to know”, “it’s gone all awkward and I want to know why, it’s obviously about me”. After what feels like a solid minute of uncomfortable silence, Jordan pipes up and says “Danny said that maybe you and James were gonna have sex when you showed him where the toilet was, but I said nah that would never happen, because none of us would ever shag a black girl”.

Laughs erupted outside. I couldn’t believe it. Only about 3 people didn’t laugh or join in at all. The rest were either laughing openly or laughing behind their hands. I honestly sunk into the camping chair wishing that the whole world would swallow me up, I was so embarrassed. That was the first time someone so outright said what I’d always been made to feel; that I was attractive because I was half Nigerian. The only person who stuck up for me was Mae, and the irony is I had known pretty much everyone else my whole life and I’d only been friends with her for a couple of months because she was new to school. Mae shouted “Efemena wouldn’t want to shag you lot anyway” , clearly upset by the comments made. But I couldn’t believe no one else wanted to stick up for me or make sure that I was ok. I felt so small and so unimportant at that moment. It must have been about midnight and I was a 3 mile walk away from home, but I couldn’t stay. I was very close to bursting into tears and I didn’t want anyone to see me crumbling. So I just stood up, hugged Mae goodbye and thanked her, collected my tiny bag I got from my local market, and made my way back home.

As soon as I exited Mae’s driveway and found myself alone in the darkness I broke down. I couldn’t stop replaying that moment again and again in my head. Instead of thinking about what a dick Jordan was I kept thinking how gross I must be and how I wish I was someone else, someone like Mae. I cried all the way home and was absolutely freezing. I didn’t want to wake my parents up so when I got home I threw stones at my brother’s window hoping he was awake. At first he was really pissing me off, teasing me through his bedroom window not letting me in, but as soon as he saw how genuinely upset I was, he quietly let me in and tried to cheer me up before I went to bed. I never told him what happened. In fact, I never even spoke about this incident until recently. It was almost like a dirty little secret because I thought it was a true reflection of me and that somehow it was my fault, but it wasn’t at all. It was Jordan’s. And what came out of his mouth really had nothing to do with me, but a whole lot to do with him.

And that incident pretty much set the tone for my whole high school experience. So yeah, you definitely couldn’t pay me to go back. Not the best years of my life that’s for sure. No opportunity to lose my virginity but plenty to lose my self-esteem.