I think I might like Girls

One night when I was around five years old, I was crying in my bed hysterically feeling guilty from the events that occurred earlier in the day. I shared a room with my brother, one year older than me, who was so concerned he went to grab Mum and Dad. They rushed into the bedroom turning the lights on, kneeling by my bedside. “Efe what’s wrong?”, my Mum said so thoughtfully and soothingly whilst my Dad was stroking my back. I was so nervous to tell them, so nervous I would get into trouble. “I don’t want to tell you” I said sobbing into my pillow. My Dad said, “whatever it is you can tell us, it will all be ok, we love you”. I eventually plucked up the courage and began sitting upright in my bed, pushing all the tears away from my eyes. “Today I kissed Anna”.

I remember my Mum and Dad still kneeling by my side looking slightly confused. “That’s ok” Mum said, “sometimes when I see my friends, I kiss them too”. Even at five years old I had recognised that they didn’t quite understand what I was saying, and the thought of me being attracted to girls at only five years old was too unusual to even consider. They didn’t probe any further and got me some water, telling me everything was going to be ok and then Mum stayed with me singing until I fell asleep.

The next day my brother asked curiously “last night, did you tell Mum and Dad you kissed a girl?”. Feeling ashamed, I said “yeah, we were running in the playground, and we ran into each other, and our mouths accidentally touched”. I remember in that moment feeling so scared about how my brother would react, and he just said “Oh”, shrugged it off and hurried along. What really happened was Hannah and I were in the library searching for books that had colourful, fun pictures in them that we could spend the afternoon reading together. Somewhere in our hunt for the perfect book, Hannah said “would you like to kiss?”. I hadn’t really thought about it before, but in the moment, I had decided to try it for the first time. “Ok” I said, and then we kissed. It was just a peck on the mouth but feeling more curious about what we had just done, we did it again, and a couple of times after that. Then we picked out a book and spent the afternoon reading it as if nothing had happened. But later that evening, I suddenly was overcome with shame. How at five years old, was I taught to be so ashamed and embarrassed about kissing a girl? After that night, Mum and Dad never brought it up again. But that didn’t stop me from trying it out again.

I had a neighbour down the road who was the same age as me who I’d play with and occasionally kiss in her Wendy house outside in her garden. It turned into a weird kind of secret, and we’d agreed to never tell another soul about it. And other than that, I just remember one more time when I was slightly older, maybe seven, I was forced to go to my brother’s friend’s house (Martin) for dinner because our parents got along so well. On this particular day, his cousin was round, and we were really bored of watching the boys play video games, so we quietly went to explore upstairs, creeping around looking under beds, in wardrobes, really having a field day like mini detectives searching for absolutely anything remotely interesting. By this point, 30 minutes must have gone by, and we were a bit bored now, so we decided to sit down on Martin’s bed, and we were just talking about our favourite TV shows like Tracey Beaker and our favourite subjects at school — we both loved Art. As conversation dried up, I remember thinking that she was really pretty, and I did something I had never done before. I had asked her whether she’d ever kissed a girl before. She turned to look at me with a serious glance, and said “yes I have, two actually”. She then leaned in closer, taking me by surprise and kissed me on the lips. Again, it was just a peck, but this one was slightly longer than any of the ones I’d had before, and for some reason, it felt like a bigger deal. Also, I remember going red with embarrassment and feeling really pleased with myself for the following few days.

I had honestly forgotten about these encounters as I grew older and never really thought about kissing girls for a long while. I had gotten many crushes in first school, middle school, and high school but from then on, they were always on boys. Though saying that, there were two media moments that did bring up a lot and make me question everything — the first was t.A.T.u’s song ‘All the things she said’ released in 2002. Every time it would come on TV I’d be infatuated and be really conscious about the way I responded to it in front of my brother or other family members. And, Madonna, Britney Spears, and Christina Aguilera’s kiss at the 2003 MTV VMA performance. It was such a big deal in our household — it wasn’t necessarily deemed right or wrong, but the fact it was so blown up made it feel like three girls kissing on stage was the biggest deal ever. But other than that, which all happened very early on before I had even hit puberty, it wasn’t until a recent encounter where all these thoughts came rushing back.

Last year, as Covid-19 kindly ridded me of all joy and financial independence, I moved back home and finally applied for a University Course I had wanted to do for a while but had always put off because I was so busy with work and life. I was accepted onto the course in June, and then started my course in September remotely on zoom. Seeing as my course is VERY nerdy and specific (I shan’t bore you with the details!) there are only eight people in my pathway classes, that looks at how humanity respond/ are affected by global issues, and I had met every single person bar one, let’s call her Dillon, who never seemed to turn on her mic or camera and honestly rarely came to lessons. I hadn’t really given Dillon much thought until two months in we were put in breakout rooms online with 4 people per group to discuss issues that were important to us individually that we wouldn’t share outside the group. To my surprise, Dillon turned on her mic and opened up to our small group about the amount of abuse she had experienced in high school after she was outed by an ex-boyfriend, and about how much that has affected her confidence. I was really taken back by what Dillon had said. I could hear in her voice the amount of courage that it took for her to share her experiences and the pain she had endured from that experience. I suddenly felt guilty that I hadn’t made more of an effort before, realising she’s probably overwhelmed with attending university during a pandemic and being isolated from everyone, so I messaged her after the session to say thank you for being so open and honest with us.

This was the start of a really beautiful friendship that I’m so grateful for. The first time I spoke to Dillon on the phone I felt ridiculously nervous and even got butterflies not understanding fully what was happening or how I was feeling. It turns out we have a lot in common and we are both so silly and make each other laugh in equal amounts. From that day, a day hasn’t gone by where we don’t message each other. It’s very clear that what we have right now is a friendship, but I’d be lying to myself if I didn’t say I definitely fancied her. The first time we spoke on zoom, and the first time she actually turned her camera on, my jaw practically hit the floor. She had short, jet black hair and the sides were dyed bright red. She was laying down with her head resting against her hand and I could see all her tattoos and piercings and for some reason I was really, really digging her eyebrow piercing. I found myself feeling slightly overwhelmed by how beautiful she was and how attracted I was towards her that I actually made an excuse to leave the call early. I wasn’t used to feeling so vulnerable or so immediately taken by someone — it was very unfamiliar territory for me. Regardless of what happens between Dillon and I, whether we remain great friends or whether something more could happen one day, we’ve now been talking non-stop for seven months and she’s really helped get me through one of the shittest years of my life by being a constant source of support, joy, and distraction. I’d like to think we really helped each other get through it.

This experience has helped remind me of a part of myself I lost somewhere in childhood. I’ve realised how excited I am about being open to speaking to women, dating women, and seeing if I could build romantic relationships and connections with women. Last week, I even asked a waitress at Wagamama’s (who I thought was cute and was giving me the eye) if I could have her Instagram, and she very eagerly gave me her Instagram handle and we’ve been messaging a bit back and forth when we could meet. I made that sound super smooth, but I was practically shaking when I asked her! I’ve even spoken to my parents about being open to date women and honestly, they didn’t seem surprised at all, in fact my Dad couldn’t have appeared to care less! I’m very excited to be open to new connections and seeing where that takes me. I’m visiting London tomorrow and I’ve invited Dillion so I can finally meet her in person. Whatever happens, I’ll make sure to let you know!

Efemena x